getting ready to hit the road–nomad style.

i’ve spent the past month getting ready to hit the road. nomad style. i’ve been selling possessions, buying more crap, coordinating/consulting/commiserating…and,

i. can’t. wait!
i’m about to leave–i just moved all my stuff from one storage to a larger storage unit so it would be easier and i could split it with a friend, essentially making it cheaper.

i spent last night at home depot having them cut wood and then when i realized i couldn’t fit a 62.5 inch piece of plywood into the back of my truck (well i can, but i forgot about the fact that there are narrow and small windows to get through first). i noticed my angry don’t-judge-me reactions coming up as people walked by. just imagine it–me try to shove a huge piece of plywood into a space that clearly wouldn’t fit it…again, just to stroke my ego, i’d like to remind you that it can (and does) fit, just not as one whole piece.

it’s amazing how much i appreciate a comfortable bed and a warm house. it’s only september yet snowed the other day and is low 30’s at night in Montana right now. i know it will get warm again before winter truly hits, but i’m hoping to avoid major snowstorms and tricky pass crossings for a while while i head east.

i really hit my quota last year in my little Mazda–thinking i’d already driven through the worst of the worst in white-out conditions when i lived in colorado…through blizzards that pushed SUV’s off the road. i was wrong. i hit the craziest of all crazy last winter and am not sure how i survived. driving over passes that one shouldn’t be because all the major highways were closed. hence, really the passes i went over should have been closed too, but they were so small, normal people didn’t drive over them. google maps didn’t know any differently though. so there i was, for hours and hours. and hours. sometimes stopped for hours. sometimes moving at a snails pace unable to see a few paces ahead and just hoping to catch glimpse of a snow drift small enough to reveal the tip of a plow pole.

getting back to present, i am mad excited about leaving tomorrow. going to head east to land in MA for a week or two to play music with my dad, and visit some friends along the way. i plan on podcasting my journey but could also see myself just blogging instead. we’ll see.
until then,
happy nomading!

A video a day: Projections, ego, love, attachment, compliments, acceptance, oh my!

old friends. different places. separate futures.

it’s so interesting when you hang out with old friends and you see that you’re at different vibrational frequencies. i found myself staring at her so intrigued by her way of thinking…there was something so familiar…so comforting…and i realized it was because that was me. she was me. we were each other. i’ve acted like that. i’ve done that. i’ve been her. i’ve thought that way and even still do on my “not my best kelly self” moments.

and i struggled between the idea that she was still stuck–she was still there. because, why am i limiting her in my mind. why am i putting her in a box she can’t crawl out of unless i release her??!!

she was and is exactly who she is. i can either attach to my memory of her…latch onto my decade ago experience with her OR, i can see her through my new lens with an appreciation and love. that’s what i am struggling with. i found myself judging her right away. i found myself wondering how she hasn’t come further. how i, as an educator, could have helped her more. how did i not push her? was there more i could have done to encourage her to think more deeply. which puts me at a place of privilege. of thinking i am better. i’ve done better. i am better. which then explains the very subconscious and silent animosity i feel. it’s a vibrational frequency. i can feel it. maybe the reason is because everything we think is a projection and so therefore it’s because i’m projecting an animosity. and maybe that has resulted in the past five plus years of our disconnection. i felt disconnected but maybe she did not.

how can i work to be my best self, and next time we hang out…to remove some of my preconceived notions of her so that i may experience a more full and present experience in a more loving and open way? i’m already having experiences where something she said i’ve been able to process through and accept and even see resonance with–but the problem, is that i’m doing so after over processing aka justifying. which means, it’s not as authentic. my best self wants it to come from the heart. i want to see her comments and behaviors as beautiful and wonderful….

divorce, & some rude awakenings.

i decided to write a second post today, as i just reflected on the past year and a half of my blog posts. if you’re a regular reader–which is highly unlikely cause i think i only have a handful of spammers that only post animal pictures liking my posts! haha. anyway, if you’ve read a few of last years posts, you’ll know that i spent time writing about the difficulties of my marriage and his issues with my weight. to save you from reading all those posts, i’ll summarize by saying that in 2012 when we got married i was 135 pounds and over the next couple years got as high as 170 (currently at 160). this “hurt his pride” (his words our therapist can vouch for) and i would have to “earn his love back” because he didn’t trust that fitness or health was important to me. and some of the kickers which are the most amazing to me is that he had conspiracy theories like that i was sneaking fast food late at night! as anyone can tell you, i did indulge in taco bell about twice a year, usually after drinking. shhh don’t tell. also, you should know that i had been working out 4-5 days a week at CrossFit and biking 8-12 miles a day as well as eating fairly healthy–i do enjoy eating out & drinking, which is my downfall combined with metabolism, gender, and genetics working against me. anyway, he wasn’t seeing the changes in me he wanted to see and so generally speaking was unsupportive and unable to be loving (because my brain and heart weren’t good enough i guess). he does not believe that age, gender, or genetics has any effect on body weight.

…i love you, and can’t continue
so, instead of continuing therapy off and on, sharing with him scientific articles about age/gender/genetics, going to self-growth workshops, seeking the help of family and friends, and being able to separate out that his issues with my body were really projections of his own poor self-esteem…i decided to discontinue my path in that negative environment with someone who wasn’t loving me though thick and thin (literally). i decided i wanted to seek someone with a little more depth and with whom i felt connected with on a major value of mine, which is to love, support, and empower people…to see the best in them…to love and support my partner through the trials and tribulations of life. i tried for a long time to see the best in him, and actually, still do on all issues not related to body weight and body shaming.

…don’t give me that look!
what’s really interesting about divorce is that although it’s incredibly common, it’s incredibly stigmatized still. in fact, i started adding in the word “amicable” before divorce so the pity look could be spared. when i officially told my partner we should get divorced (not the many times i mentioned it in the past year or so as something we should consider), he said he actually felt relieved. and i knew he would–he was clinging to the sanctity of marriage but had given up on me–years ago! so it was especially fascinating when his mother wrote me that she was sad that i was “giving up on the marriage.” funny, yes, i was done. he had given up on supporting me years prior and i couldn’t keep being my best self, and loving my body, with his inability to love his own self and body–which he projected on to me.

…trying not to be petty
when you tell people you’re getting divorced, you learn exactly what your friends and family think of you and your partner. although in my experience some reactions were unexpected, sudden, and sometimes with awkward filters…people say stuff they really could have shared years prior. i learned who my friends and family really were. i learned who is supportive of me on a grander scale. i’ve learned who lumped me in with “you should have tried harder.” this, was when i realized the impact of my not going around telling people what i was going through. see, i didn’t run around telling people what a jerk he was. i didn’t think he was one. i just thought he had a warped perspective on women–and how could i blame him? he is a socialized male, being brought up on media, watches porn, had human friends, and was not part of the tall skinny guy club in his family–he, took after his mom in terms of body shape. so i didn’t run around imparting hate or trying to get people on my side. i always stated it like it was, he wanted me to be skinner and i was working hard to be fit. fitness for me doesn’t mean a certain size or weight. it means being healthy and strong.

…learning who my real friends and family were
that being said, it was a surprise to many people (everyone not following this blog haha) when we announced divorce. it was a hard hit when i learned that one of my closer female friends clearly sided with my husband–but never told me, just stopped being around. it was a harder hit when people i considered family came at me with the same shallow perspective, saying i should have lost weight for him and that i should have tried harder in the marriage. that’s when i realized that i definitely needed to get away–to remove myself from the systemic oppression that occurs even in family cultures. people that i saw as open-minded, loving, and mostly non-judgmental humans–one of them who has held jobs empowering women–coming forward to tell me that, essentially, that they disagreed with my decision. well, that is their opinion. and i’m still working through that. i’ve learned to surround myself with love, and that in turn supports me to continue loving my body, my self, and work hard to stay strong, healthy, and eat smart.

there’s definitely more to be written, but this post is long enough. more on the stigma of divorce and rude awakenings later…

this post is about nothing.

i’ve been listening to some inspirational people lately. kyle cease is one of them–he’s a comedian turned person-i’m-trying-to-be-in-the-world. basically connecting with people to empower them…he does it in a way that is inspiring and funny. light-heartedness is the key to people opening. i tend to just come across as aloof and impersonal–probably a little crazy too. i’m not sure what it is about my personality but i’m not very good at the meeting-you-where-you’re-at bit…i mean, i’m a life coach, so i can do this. but i only work with certainly personality types. so my clients usually are similar to me–they want to be lovingly challenged, but i’m not going to soften the blow for them. i mean, i say it with love because i know i mean it with love, but i think i go about it a different way. i think i’m just rambling now……

back to inspirational people. i feel like kyle says what byron katie is saying, but in a more accessible way. have you heard of thework.com? i like that it’s all free on her website although i know for me i never could have grasped the concept as well without going to her workshops. highly recommended. i like that she has this practical and logical way of breaking down life’s problems and working through them. i’m constantly striving to be a better human in the world, and her work helps me to get there. i want to love everyone–even those i dislike. i want to love the “dislikes!” i want to see the potential in every single cell of every being…it can be so hard sometimes!

and then, i’ve also been watching Ted Talks…you know, those are great for whatever interest you have. particularly i’ve been watching ones related to being a better human (theme?) and just saw one that was about knowing your value–monetarily. that’s hard for me because right now i’m job searching and recently was asked by an interviewer what i would like to make. instead of directly answering the question, i fumbled around explaining what i made at my last job, vaguely explaining that the mission of the organization was more important, and i think i even threw a little “i need to crunch the numbers” in there. who does that?!?! i never answered her question although i did say “i’m not sure i answered your question??” with a nervous laugh. she made me feel at ease and i’ll find out tomorrow if i get the job, but really? after watching this Ted Talk last night i realized i should have just said the amount i’d feel comfortable with. but i guess my mental struggle with money is real–i would sacrifice pay for things like flexible schedule, great company, opportunities for advancement…but at what cost i guess?

okay, well if you’re still reading (then i’m shocked and you should leave a comment below) then thanks–this was my ramble as my attempt to get back into daily writing. as i was reminded last night in a Ted Talk by Anne Lamott, a writers first draft is always ugly (my words, not hers). so i guess this would be my first draft in my long line of blog posts to come.

comment below if you want to know what videos i’ve been watching. -kelly

snowboarding in montana

there’s this beauty…a bittersweetness. i was leaving the mountain that had just had more snow dumped on it than in the past twelve years and as i decided to sullenly call it quits i stood at the top looking…..not at the mountain, the deep snow, or the expansive landscape…instead, i stood looking down at the parking lot. the trek i had made at least twice a week for the past few months. trudging my way to the car, or running half-sliding to the bus. the bus…the lovely bus. it was free. yes, free. in Montana they still value freedom and have free bus systems. i don’t really know what i mean by that comment just yet, but anyway. the free bus took me, in 19 minutes, to a place where i could walk less than a mile home. so, i got to stagger there, shred however i wanted, and traipse home. my biggest question being, did i challenge myself enough?

the answer was always no. when i found myself at steamboat one weekend loving life and the people i was with, i realized that i put myself in comfort zones far too often these days. and when i find someone i was terrified to ride with with, the more i should probably ride with them. they would probably get off the lift faster than me, never miss an edge, and somehow make it down in 5 seconds ahead of me…depending on how many trees they decided to negotiate.

but i digress…i just want to say, i freaking love snowboarding…the cold…the snow…the mountains…the solitude. if you’ve been reading my blog and you’re totally confused by this post, comment at the bottom and i’m happy to update you on the past few months!!!

the point of the matter is, i’m looking for someone who can sit in silence at the “wrong” part of the mountain and still hold that space for me and the value that it holds.

funny, i guess i got off topic really fast haha. smoochie boochie lover oochies. -k

same ol s*%#

i know it’s been a while since i’ve written. sorry about that. you know how life is. life is, well at least mine, feels like a rollercoaster. and i’m not even dealing with not having clean water to drink, money to put food in my belly or a roof over my head. i live a privileged life where i have a job, and can indulge in pleasures here and there. that being said, i’m partnered with a man who can not let go of his obsession with how much i weigh. he tries to disguise it with “i value health” all day long but at the end of the day, i workout 5x week at CrossFit, bike about 8-12 miles a day, and eat fairly healthy. i don’t eat any processed foods, cook regularly, and yes still engage in tasty cravings here and there along with adult beverages (probably my biggest killer). so i’m 30 pounds overweight and he is obsessed. like, he bases his pride and self worth off of what i look like.

if you’ve been following my blog, this is nothing new. so i do apologize if i’m boring you. but this is my life. it’s like, i keep sitting around waiting for….waiting for what? for him to change his perspective? for him to start wanting my body? for him to decide his viewpoints are shallow and lame and to grow up and face the real world? nope, instead i think his fate will be that he’ll end up happily remarried to a skinny girl, who when i’m my worse self i probably imagine she gets fat at some point and he eventually has to deal with his own projections. by best self just knows these are his projections but guess what folks? i’m writing this at a time when i am tired. i’m over it. i’m sick of frickin being patient. of trying to prove myself. if what i’m doing isn’t working for you–i’m sorry, but guess what, it’s working for me! is it putting me in what society calls “beach body” or “bathing suit ready” mode? probably not. but that’s not my freakin goal in life! my goal is to find balance. be happy, strong, and connect with humans on a deeper level! if my stomach is a little big but i deadlift and clean PR’s regularly, and i eat as many greens/veggies as possible along with healthy fats, then i’m happy! if i can eat that delicious burger once or twice a month with some sweet potato fries without crying that i just set myself back a whole three days, then i’m stoked! now i just need a human in my life who has these same values. who truly values health without being attached the aesthetic.

i’d love to keep chatting, but tomorrow is bench press with a wod of double unders and burpees and as always, i need my 8 hours of sleep to maintain my healthy routine that my partner apparently thinks isn’t working.

c’est la vie.

so why do we come back to the same person expecting different responses? i feel as though i’m a fairly educated person. and yet i do that. i come back to therapy expecting he has grown or done some work on himself. but i get the same thoughts, values, ideology. even as i’m typing i know i sound ridiculous. so why? why do i sit in the same circle expecting for new thought to just be brought in? why do i come back to the same home expecting a more evolved man? i guess because i believe in him on a deeper level. that the best version of himself is not this shallow facade that he puts forward. maybe even he believes that of me! except of course, we have completely different perspectives on what that is and looks like which is why we’re on different playing fields.

i keep spending time and enjoy, the self growth opportunities i’ve experienced in the past few years. without all the work i’ve done on myself i’m not sure i’d be still moving forward in this relationship. although, maybe i would have gotten out a long time ago. interesting dichotomy. i’m in a currently unhappy marriage that i believe in and trust the downs will lead to ups. without my work on my own self love and happiness i wouldn’t trust that. but in a down moment like tonight, i regress back to not trusting the future up. i just want to give up. it’s easier. and i know i’m not supposed to want easier. i know it’s hard. and i’m supposed to want to work through it. but what if 7 years of being told you’re less than and need to be someone different wears on you just enough…

well i know there’s always more work to do on myself…i guess i’ll just keep focusing on that and one day i’ll “wake up” in therapy and realize…well, whatever i need to realize.

my dad showing love how he knows how

today my dad told me that i was amazing and smart and that my husband would never find another women even half as good as me. i teared up in tears of disbelief, love, joy, and warmth.

let me back up. and i’m not going to start with “my childhood wasn’t easy” because my childhood was exactly that, my childhood. it was happy and sad and all the things that childhoods are. i figured everyone went through stuff like that but didn’t even start making those comparisons until maybe high school. as a kid and seeing my dad, intoxicated–although, i want to be truthful in saying that as a kid i may not have processed that information. if i did, it was subconscious. but those are the words my mother taught me later as how to label the situation and it doesn’t seem too far off based on my current experiences. so seeing my dad threaten my mum numerous times, threaten me and my sister when we cried that he would take his belt off and beat us if we kept crying, slap my mother, threaten her with a knife another time, and generally have a slew of memories that are my only memories and happen to be unpleasant. since my sister was his blood daughter, there was definitely a felt difference in how he treated us. i remember us being crammed together under one seatbelt in his van as we went to church every sunday and he would ask her how i was doing. i remember thinking that so weird and odd; but stared out the window and only sometimes had the energy to respond in kind by telling my sister to tell daddy that i was doing fine. one time i told him i was going to run away and i remember his huge belly laugh as he yelled out “good luck with that. you won’t get very far!” and he was right.

i remember the first time he referenced love toward me (i should clarify he does say “i love you” and signs “love daddy” on cards) was last year (i’m mid-thirties) when my sister got in a bad motorcycle accident and almost died. he was flying every weekend to visit her in the hospital and in a drunken conversation one night told me that he would do the same for me. i cried then too.

since then he has made comments like this and it always throws me off and i work hard to accept these love offerings. i want to believe them and i do believe he means them. referencing back to the start of this post, recently my partner and i separated and so on the phone today my dad basically went on and on about how i was a great person and intelligent and that he hoped my husband would come to his senses and figure his shit out.

me too. but that is another post for another day.

She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink

I originally read this on Huffington Post and really appreciated his perspective so wanted to share! If you’ve been reading my posts the part in his blog I liked was the reminder that it’s usually a symptom, not the problem. The small issues we fight about do sometimes feel like the reason we get over it–well, I should own this–they pile up for me and I feel done with “dealing.” When in reality, there is a bigger picture. He ends with talking about feeling gratitude and even pleasure in doing things for the other person…if that wears off does it ever come back?

“It seems so unreasonable when you put it that way: My wife left me because sometimes I leave dishes by the sink. It makes her seem ridiculous; and makes me seem like a victim of unfair expectations…”

Source: She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes by the Sink