water in our dystopian present.

I remember the time i stood standing in the shower. The water pouring over me. It was weeks before i was going to be living in a 3rd world country and i felt so grateful for the water. I felt such immense emotion over the fact that i had seemingly unending water pouring down over me at the turn of a knob. I knew in the years to come i would not have this. I knew that i’d be hauling my own water from the well for 27 months, sponge bathing from a bucket in a climate as hot as hell. 

I also remember standing above that bucket in the bathroom. Using my hands to splash water over my salt-laden body. It felt so cool. I kept my mouth shut remembering my place. My stomach didn’t have these bacteria. A slight miss and i’d regret it for days. It was so much harder to get my back. I felt my back must have had layers of grime out of my reach. Splashing up in general was difficult, but you worked at the areas that mattered most.

During the height of Covid (or maybe not), I was incredibly thankful to have any water at all. 1st world countries didn’t have public wells you could grab water from and sneak into a bush area to bath oneself. It was seemingly as hot as those Africa days but i had a friend, a friend who gave me the refuge of running water.

I stand in a shower today, feeling so grateful for the freezing cold water. I bask it in. asking it to bring down my internal temperatures and knowing my tolerance is far greater than i withstand. And i realize, even these days could come to an end. I realize that although we expect water to flow, that possibly…in my lifetime, i could experience a world where water doesn’t come at all. Forget about hot. Forget about cold. I should remain grateful. Because the world we live in doesn’t give freely to all humans. The world we live in doesn’t view all humans as deserving of water, or food. We are moving toward a hunger games, a divergence, brave new worlds, a tale of handmaid’s, maze runners, and Ender.

In fact, we are already there.

stealing company time.

when i was recently asked (in a somewhat demeaning manner i might add) why i clock out when i cook lunch, i looked up surprised and responded that my company pays me to work, not to cook.

it was a no brainer for me.

i went on to share that i don’t clock out to make coffee, or go pee. but, if i know i’m going to be slow to drop off the kids at the pool, i will clock out to head to the bathroom. i don’t want be stressed from on-the-clock guilt, which no amount of cute, colorful unicorn-sold footstools would cure.

i work remotely and am hourly. i also love my employer. so i’ve been thinking about his question for weeks now. it’s still plagues me. maybe as a male he is use to taking every opportunity (if i’m gender stereotyping).

i think about all the people out there, using company time in whatever way they please. aren’t they walking around with pounds of guilt on their shoulders? even if i wanted to i couldn’t.

the guilt would kill me.

i try to live authentically and with integrity…

i’m by no means perfect!

when it comes to working remotely, a certain amount of trust and self-discipline is necessary. the company needs to trust that you’re doing your job and you need to get your stuff done, hold yourself accountable, and find ways that make you the most productive.

i think about that saying that goes something like:

“who are you when no one is watching?”

i don’t know who wrote it. but when no one is watching, and when NO ONE will find out or figure out what you’ve done or who you really are, who are you?

i think it’s a great test of the ego.

i never want to be “caught” because i hate that feeling in my stomach. it makes me feel sick. so instead of finding ways of hiding behavior that would give that feeling if questioned, i don’t do those things.

maybe for you it’s a question of God holding you accountable.

or Allah, Yahweh, Hu, or whoever your deity is.

i have this inner compass that makes me feel sick when i’m not in alignment with my best self.

don’t have something to guide you North? (or whatever direction you think is your true heading?)

start noticing your body. your brain. how does it feel to do things that align with the best version of yourself? start noticing how you feel after you act in a way that maybe doesn’t align with the person you really want to be. you can even go back to basics: write down all the things you really hate about people. then write down all the things you really love about people. dig. then dig deeper. then dig deeper. cry about it even.

we are often disconnected with our truest self. sometimes it’s so lost it takes tragedy or great loss to catch even a glimpse. sometimes even that doesn’t do it.

take 8 seconds. Brene Brown says she’ll take 8 seconds to contemplate a question. Byron Katie says it too–take the time really needed to think about the question, ground yourself, and give a true answer based on what you want. remove the bs of what others want from you, or what they’ll think.

what tactics do you employ to get in touch with your inner goddess? your inner compass?

7.5yo Dreadlocks: To Trim or Not to Trim?

It’s hot out. Easily gets up to 100 degrees for 3 months here in Colorado, and all 35 of my butt-length dreads are like a warmed up blanket…heated by either my body and head or by the sun.

When I crawl into bed they get stuck under my knees or hands.

I have to move them before peeing, pooping, washing my hands, doing dishes, eating, leaning back on anything, getting dressed, leaning forward, looking down…you get the point.

Some negatives aside, I LOVE my dreads.

They have become a part of my identity in a way I could not have anticipated. And although there are some negatives regarding stereotypes, etc. They have also given me access to a part of the human culture that I cannot specifically name…it may be that others who also identify as different tend to accept me more freely…because like face tattoos, are not commonplace and thus passively align you with the fringe, the radical, the peripheral.

I get asked for and offered drugs I’ve never heard of.

I get stopped in grocery stores, bathrooms, and airports. People tell me I smell fantastic–maybe it’s just that they’re shocked someone with long dreadlocks actually showers. It’s a lot of work to get these girls clean. But it’s worth it. I love them. I take better care of my hair than pre-dreadies.

• 

• 

• 

getting ready to hit the road–nomad style.

i’ve spent the past month getting ready to hit the road. nomad style. i’ve been selling possessions, buying more crap, coordinating/consulting/commiserating…and,

i. can’t. wait!
i’m about to leave–i just moved all my stuff from one storage to a larger storage unit so it would be easier and i could split it with a friend, essentially making it cheaper.

i spent last night at home depot having them cut wood and then when i realized i couldn’t fit a 62.5 inch piece of plywood into the back of my truck (well i can, but i forgot about the fact that there are narrow and small windows to get through first). i noticed my angry don’t-judge-me reactions coming up as people walked by. just imagine it–me try to shove a huge piece of plywood into a space that clearly wouldn’t fit it…again, just to stroke my ego, i’d like to remind you that it can (and does) fit, just not as one whole piece.

it’s amazing how much i appreciate a comfortable bed and a warm house. it’s only september yet snowed the other day and is low 30’s at night in Montana right now. i know it will get warm again before winter truly hits, but i’m hoping to avoid major snowstorms and tricky pass crossings for a while while i head east.

i really hit my quota last year in my little Mazda–thinking i’d already driven through the worst of the worst in white-out conditions when i lived in colorado…through blizzards that pushed SUV’s off the road. i was wrong. i hit the craziest of all crazy last winter and am not sure how i survived. driving over passes that one shouldn’t be because all the major highways were closed. hence, really the passes i went over should have been closed too, but they were so small, normal people didn’t drive over them. google maps didn’t know any differently though. so there i was, for hours and hours. and hours. sometimes stopped for hours. sometimes moving at a snails pace unable to see a few paces ahead and just hoping to catch glimpse of a snow drift small enough to reveal the tip of a plow pole.

getting back to present, i am mad excited about leaving tomorrow. going to head east to land in MA for a week or two to play music with my dad, and visit some friends along the way. i plan on podcasting my journey but could also see myself just blogging instead. we’ll see.
until then,
happy nomading!

A video a day: Projections, ego, love, attachment, compliments, acceptance, oh my!

symbols in dreams.

last night i had a dream that this crazy beautiful Kite bird was tapping its beak at my window and i looked directly at it and it asked me “can i come in” in a weird cross between bird and human language that somehow i could understand.

my instinct was not to let her in. someone i knew she was a she. i looked around inside my house and thought no!

it was a protective no, not a no no. protective of myself, my things. i wondered about what kind of trick she might be playing on me…

i let her into my house trusting in her disarming tone and voice and then suddenly something terrible happened…in my odd dreamlike state i didn’t know what was going on.

but i kept hearing her call and i kept looking around–i saw these things hanging from the ceiling that had strings and imagined her getting caught and injured. i frowned and felt scared for her safety after just having felt scared for my own. but, feeling a deep internal pressure to appease as well–as having no good reason– i opened the door instinctively putting the back of my hand up as a way she could sit on it with her claws. seeing my body do this also astounded me as i felt no need to accommodate but noticing my instinct and nature to do so, she grabbed on without hesitation or thought.

she was beautiful. bright blue. a color i’d never seen on a bird. accentuated with golden golds…like gold tones that you can’t imagine. they only rise from the heavens. with the sun. from a body of a true spirit–one that man cannot recreate. we talked. we chatted. bird squawk and human speak. it worked somehow.

i walked her around. i was so amazed at the site of her sitting on my hand, with such confidence and beauty. i felt so free with her. it was like she had no qualms about all the things i was doubting when she knocked on my window and looked at me.

when i opened the door she was just there… with confidence. so quickly. unassuming.

as we walked around the room i remember her laughing, so comfortable in my hands, and leaning backward in her birdlike way i saw her woman-like vagina, all naked and pure. i was surprised to see such a humanlike attribute on a bird like her.

somehow the time came in my dream to let her go. i don’t remember why. i was all giddy from our connection and her beauty and her honoring me with her massive talons on my hand and i remember for a brief second feeling like i didn’t want to share her with anyone. like she was mine. possessiveness. where did that come from?

when we had to say goodbye i counted and dipped my hand as if i was going to give her an extra push on 3 and at 2 i dipped extra deep and essentially pushed her off a beat too early, sending her backwards into the ground. she landed hard with a scream that i believe i also let out verbally in my sleep which awoke me.

in the moments before i awoke, i saw her laying on the ground obviously in some shock and pain but smiling and then a light laugh as i apologized over and over. “it’s okay” she said laughing. and she laid, splayed out, looking like she was recovering from the hard fall…

i felt so guilty and awful in that moment as i was exiting the deep rem cycle. i felt like i’ve felt in the past going from one moment from pure joy and laughter, and this is all fun and games until all of sudden, all shit hits the fan faster than you can ever imagine…

one moment in was encompassed by grief and in the same moment–seeming impossible–i also felt embarrassment. because my first instinct was to quiet her down. i felt guilt for thinking that as i fully awoke from my dream.

amazing the human emotions one can rollercoaster through. and that was just a dream.

old friends. different places. separate futures.

it’s so interesting when you hang out with old friends and you see that you’re at different vibrational frequencies. i found myself staring at her so intrigued by her way of thinking…there was something so familiar…so comforting…and i realized it was because that was me. she was me. we were each other. i’ve acted like that. i’ve done that. i’ve been her. i’ve thought that way and even still do on my “not my best kelly self” moments.

and i struggled between the idea that she was still stuck–she was still there. because, why am i limiting her in my mind. why am i putting her in a box she can’t crawl out of unless i release her??!!

she was and is exactly who she is. i can either attach to my memory of her…latch onto my decade ago experience with her OR, i can see her through my new lens with an appreciation and love. that’s what i am struggling with. i found myself judging her right away. i found myself wondering how she hasn’t come further. how i, as an educator, could have helped her more. how did i not push her? was there more i could have done to encourage her to think more deeply. which puts me at a place of privilege. of thinking i am better. i’ve done better. i am better. which then explains the very subconscious and silent animosity i feel. it’s a vibrational frequency. i can feel it. maybe the reason is because everything we think is a projection and so therefore it’s because i’m projecting an animosity. and maybe that has resulted in the past five plus years of our disconnection. i felt disconnected but maybe she did not.

how can i work to be my best self, and next time we hang out…to remove some of my preconceived notions of her so that i may experience a more full and present experience in a more loving and open way? i’m already having experiences where something she said i’ve been able to process through and accept and even see resonance with–but the problem, is that i’m doing so after over processing aka justifying. which means, it’s not as authentic. my best self wants it to come from the heart. i want to see her comments and behaviors as beautiful and wonderful….

divorce, & some rude awakenings.

i decided to write a second post today, as i just reflected on the past year and a half of my blog posts. if you’re a regular reader–which is highly unlikely cause i think i only have a handful of spammers that only post animal pictures liking my posts! haha. anyway, if you’ve read a few of last years posts, you’ll know that i spent time writing about the difficulties of my marriage and his issues with my weight. to save you from reading all those posts, i’ll summarize by saying that in 2012 when we got married i was 135 pounds and over the next couple years got as high as 170 (currently at 160). this “hurt his pride” (his words our therapist can vouch for) and i would have to “earn his love back” because he didn’t trust that fitness or health was important to me. and some of the kickers which are the most amazing to me is that he had conspiracy theories like that i was sneaking fast food late at night! as anyone can tell you, i did indulge in taco bell about twice a year, usually after drinking. shhh don’t tell. also, you should know that i had been working out 4-5 days a week at CrossFit and biking 8-12 miles a day as well as eating fairly healthy–i do enjoy eating out & drinking, which is my downfall combined with metabolism, gender, and genetics working against me. anyway, he wasn’t seeing the changes in me he wanted to see and so generally speaking was unsupportive and unable to be loving (because my brain and heart weren’t good enough i guess). he does not believe that age, gender, or genetics has any effect on body weight.

…i love you, and can’t continue
so, instead of continuing therapy off and on, sharing with him scientific articles about age/gender/genetics, going to self-growth workshops, seeking the help of family and friends, and being able to separate out that his issues with my body were really projections of his own poor self-esteem…i decided to discontinue my path in that negative environment with someone who wasn’t loving me though thick and thin (literally). i decided i wanted to seek someone with a little more depth and with whom i felt connected with on a major value of mine, which is to love, support, and empower people…to see the best in them…to love and support my partner through the trials and tribulations of life. i tried for a long time to see the best in him, and actually, still do on all issues not related to body weight and body shaming.

…don’t give me that look!
what’s really interesting about divorce is that although it’s incredibly common, it’s incredibly stigmatized still. in fact, i started adding in the word “amicable” before divorce so the pity look could be spared. when i officially told my partner we should get divorced (not the many times i mentioned it in the past year or so as something we should consider), he said he actually felt relieved. and i knew he would–he was clinging to the sanctity of marriage but had given up on me–years ago! so it was especially fascinating when his mother wrote me that she was sad that i was “giving up on the marriage.” funny, yes, i was done. he had given up on supporting me years prior and i couldn’t keep being my best self, and loving my body, with his inability to love his own self and body–which he projected on to me.

…trying not to be petty
when you tell people you’re getting divorced, you learn exactly what your friends and family think of you and your partner. although in my experience some reactions were unexpected, sudden, and sometimes with awkward filters…people say stuff they really could have shared years prior. i learned who my friends and family really were. i learned who is supportive of me on a grander scale. i’ve learned who lumped me in with “you should have tried harder.” this, was when i realized the impact of my not going around telling people what i was going through. see, i didn’t run around telling people what a jerk he was. i didn’t think he was one. i just thought he had a warped perspective on women–and how could i blame him? he is a socialized male, being brought up on media, watches porn, had human friends, and was not part of the tall skinny guy club in his family–he, took after his mom in terms of body shape. so i didn’t run around imparting hate or trying to get people on my side. i always stated it like it was, he wanted me to be skinner and i was working hard to be fit. fitness for me doesn’t mean a certain size or weight. it means being healthy and strong.

…learning who my real friends and family were
that being said, it was a surprise to many people (everyone not following this blog haha) when we announced divorce. it was a hard hit when i learned that one of my closer female friends clearly sided with my husband–but never told me, just stopped being around. it was a harder hit when people i considered family came at me with the same shallow perspective, saying i should have lost weight for him and that i should have tried harder in the marriage. that’s when i realized that i definitely needed to get away–to remove myself from the systemic oppression that occurs even in family cultures. people that i saw as open-minded, loving, and mostly non-judgmental humans–one of them who has held jobs empowering women–coming forward to tell me that, essentially, that they disagreed with my decision. well, that is their opinion. and i’m still working through that. i’ve learned to surround myself with love, and that in turn supports me to continue loving my body, my self, and work hard to stay strong, healthy, and eat smart.

there’s definitely more to be written, but this post is long enough. more on the stigma of divorce and rude awakenings later…

this post is about nothing.

i’ve been listening to some inspirational people lately. kyle cease is one of them–he’s a comedian turned person-i’m-trying-to-be-in-the-world. basically connecting with people to empower them…he does it in a way that is inspiring and funny. light-heartedness is the key to people opening. i tend to just come across as aloof and impersonal–probably a little crazy too. i’m not sure what it is about my personality but i’m not very good at the meeting-you-where-you’re-at bit…i mean, i’m a life coach, so i can do this. but i only work with certainly personality types. so my clients usually are similar to me–they want to be lovingly challenged, but i’m not going to soften the blow for them. i mean, i say it with love because i know i mean it with love, but i think i go about it a different way. i think i’m just rambling now……

back to inspirational people. i feel like kyle says what byron katie is saying, but in a more accessible way. have you heard of thework.com? i like that it’s all free on her website although i know for me i never could have grasped the concept as well without going to her workshops. highly recommended. i like that she has this practical and logical way of breaking down life’s problems and working through them. i’m constantly striving to be a better human in the world, and her work helps me to get there. i want to love everyone–even those i dislike. i want to love the “dislikes!” i want to see the potential in every single cell of every being…it can be so hard sometimes!

and then, i’ve also been watching Ted Talks…you know, those are great for whatever interest you have. particularly i’ve been watching ones related to being a better human (theme?) and just saw one that was about knowing your value–monetarily. that’s hard for me because right now i’m job searching and recently was asked by an interviewer what i would like to make. instead of directly answering the question, i fumbled around explaining what i made at my last job, vaguely explaining that the mission of the organization was more important, and i think i even threw a little “i need to crunch the numbers” in there. who does that?!?! i never answered her question although i did say “i’m not sure i answered your question??” with a nervous laugh. she made me feel at ease and i’ll find out tomorrow if i get the job, but really? after watching this Ted Talk last night i realized i should have just said the amount i’d feel comfortable with. but i guess my mental struggle with money is real–i would sacrifice pay for things like flexible schedule, great company, opportunities for advancement…but at what cost i guess?

okay, well if you’re still reading (then i’m shocked and you should leave a comment below) then thanks–this was my ramble as my attempt to get back into daily writing. as i was reminded last night in a Ted Talk by Anne Lamott, a writers first draft is always ugly (my words, not hers). so i guess this would be my first draft in my long line of blog posts to come.

comment below if you want to know what videos i’ve been watching. -kelly

snowboarding in montana

there’s this beauty…a bittersweetness. i was leaving the mountain that had just had more snow dumped on it than in the past twelve years and as i decided to sullenly call it quits i stood at the top looking…..not at the mountain, the deep snow, or the expansive landscape…instead, i stood looking down at the parking lot. the trek i had made at least twice a week for the past few months. trudging my way to the car, or running half-sliding to the bus. the bus…the lovely bus. it was free. yes, free. in Montana they still value freedom and have free bus systems. i don’t really know what i mean by that comment just yet, but anyway. the free bus took me, in 19 minutes, to a place where i could walk less than a mile home. so, i got to stagger there, shred however i wanted, and traipse home. my biggest question being, did i challenge myself enough?

the answer was always no. when i found myself at steamboat one weekend loving life and the people i was with, i realized that i put myself in comfort zones far too often these days. and when i find someone i was terrified to ride with with, the more i should probably ride with them. they would probably get off the lift faster than me, never miss an edge, and somehow make it down in 5 seconds ahead of me…depending on how many trees they decided to negotiate.

but i digress…i just want to say, i freaking love snowboarding…the cold…the snow…the mountains…the solitude. if you’ve been reading my blog and you’re totally confused by this post, comment at the bottom and i’m happy to update you on the past few months!!!

the point of the matter is, i’m looking for someone who can sit in silence at the “wrong” part of the mountain and still hold that space for me and the value that it holds.

funny, i guess i got off topic really fast haha. smoochie boochie lover oochies. -k