i decided to write a second post today, as i just reflected on the past year and a half of my blog posts. if you’re a regular reader–which is highly unlikely cause i think i only have a handful of spammers that only post animal pictures liking my posts! haha. anyway, if you’ve read a few of last years posts, you’ll know that i spent time writing about the difficulties of my marriage and his issues with my weight. to save you from reading all those posts, i’ll summarize by saying that in 2012 when we got married i was 135 pounds and over the next couple years got as high as 170 (currently at 160). this “hurt his pride” (his words our therapist can vouch for) and i would have to “earn his love back” because he didn’t trust that fitness or health was important to me. and some of the kickers which are the most amazing to me is that he had conspiracy theories like that i was sneaking fast food late at night! as anyone can tell you, i did indulge in taco bell about twice a year, usually after drinking. shhh don’t tell. also, you should know that i had been working out 4-5 days a week at CrossFit and biking 8-12 miles a day as well as eating fairly healthy–i do enjoy eating out & drinking, which is my downfall combined with metabolism, gender, and genetics working against me. anyway, he wasn’t seeing the changes in me he wanted to see and so generally speaking was unsupportive and unable to be loving (because my brain and heart weren’t good enough i guess). he does not believe that age, gender, or genetics has any effect on body weight.
…i love you, and can’t continue
so, instead of continuing therapy off and on, sharing with him scientific articles about age/gender/genetics, going to self-growth workshops, seeking the help of family and friends, and being able to separate out that his issues with my body were really projections of his own poor self-esteem…i decided to discontinue my path in that negative environment with someone who wasn’t loving me though thick and thin (literally). i decided i wanted to seek someone with a little more depth and with whom i felt connected with on a major value of mine, which is to love, support, and empower people…to see the best in them…to love and support my partner through the trials and tribulations of life. i tried for a long time to see the best in him, and actually, still do on all issues not related to body weight and body shaming.
…don’t give me that look!
what’s really interesting about divorce is that although it’s incredibly common, it’s incredibly stigmatized still. in fact, i started adding in the word “amicable” before divorce so the pity look could be spared. when i officially told my partner we should get divorced (not the many times i mentioned it in the past year or so as something we should consider), he said he actually felt relieved. and i knew he would–he was clinging to the sanctity of marriage but had given up on me–years ago! so it was especially fascinating when his mother wrote me that she was sad that i was “giving up on the marriage.” funny, yes, i was done. he had given up on supporting me years prior and i couldn’t keep being my best self, and loving my body, with his inability to love his own self and body–which he projected on to me.
…trying not to be petty
when you tell people you’re getting divorced, you learn exactly what your friends and family think of you and your partner. although in my experience some reactions were unexpected, sudden, and sometimes with awkward filters…people say stuff they really could have shared years prior. i learned who my friends and family really were. i learned who is supportive of me on a grander scale. i’ve learned who lumped me in with “you should have tried harder.” this, was when i realized the impact of my not going around telling people what i was going through. see, i didn’t run around telling people what a jerk he was. i didn’t think he was one. i just thought he had a warped perspective on women–and how could i blame him? he is a socialized male, being brought up on media, watches porn, had human friends, and was not part of the tall skinny guy club in his family–he, took after his mom in terms of body shape. so i didn’t run around imparting hate or trying to get people on my side. i always stated it like it was, he wanted me to be skinner and i was working hard to be fit. fitness for me doesn’t mean a certain size or weight. it means being healthy and strong.
…learning who my real friends and family were
that being said, it was a surprise to many people (everyone not following this blog haha) when we announced divorce. it was a hard hit when i learned that one of my closer female friends clearly sided with my husband–but never told me, just stopped being around. it was a harder hit when people i considered family came at me with the same shallow perspective, saying i should have lost weight for him and that i should have tried harder in the marriage. that’s when i realized that i definitely needed to get away–to remove myself from the systemic oppression that occurs even in family cultures. people that i saw as open-minded, loving, and mostly non-judgmental humans–one of them who has held jobs empowering women–coming forward to tell me that, essentially, that they disagreed with my decision. well, that is their opinion. and i’m still working through that. i’ve learned to surround myself with love, and that in turn supports me to continue loving my body, my self, and work hard to stay strong, healthy, and eat smart.
there’s definitely more to be written, but this post is long enough. more on the stigma of divorce and rude awakenings later…