last night i had a dream that this crazy beautiful Kite bird was tapping its beak at my window and i looked directly at it and it asked me “can i come in” in a weird cross between bird and human language that somehow i could understand.
my instinct was not to let her in. someone i knew she was a she. i looked around inside my house and thought no!
it was a protective no, not a no no. protective of myself, my things. i wondered about what kind of trick she might be playing on me…
i let her into my house trusting in her disarming tone and voice and then suddenly something terrible happened…in my odd dreamlike state i didn’t know what was going on.
but i kept hearing her call and i kept looking around–i saw these things hanging from the ceiling that had strings and imagined her getting caught and injured. i frowned and felt scared for her safety after just having felt scared for my own. but, feeling a deep internal pressure to appease as well–as having no good reason– i opened the door instinctively putting the back of my hand up as a way she could sit on it with her claws. seeing my body do this also astounded me as i felt no need to accommodate but noticing my instinct and nature to do so, she grabbed on without hesitation or thought.
she was beautiful. bright blue. a color i’d never seen on a bird. accentuated with golden golds…like gold tones that you can’t imagine. they only rise from the heavens. with the sun. from a body of a true spirit–one that man cannot recreate. we talked. we chatted. bird squawk and human speak. it worked somehow.
i walked her around. i was so amazed at the site of her sitting on my hand, with such confidence and beauty. i felt so free with her. it was like she had no qualms about all the things i was doubting when she knocked on my window and looked at me.
when i opened the door she was just there… with confidence. so quickly. unassuming.
as we walked around the room i remember her laughing, so comfortable in my hands, and leaning backward in her birdlike way i saw her woman-like vagina, all naked and pure. i was surprised to see such a humanlike attribute on a bird like her.
somehow the time came in my dream to let her go. i don’t remember why. i was all giddy from our connection and her beauty and her honoring me with her massive talons on my hand and i remember for a brief second feeling like i didn’t want to share her with anyone. like she was mine. possessiveness. where did that come from?
when we had to say goodbye i counted and dipped my hand as if i was going to give her an extra push on 3 and at 2 i dipped extra deep and essentially pushed her off a beat too early, sending her backwards into the ground. she landed hard with a scream that i believe i also let out verbally in my sleep which awoke me.
in the moments before i awoke, i saw her laying on the ground obviously in some shock and pain but smiling and then a light laugh as i apologized over and over. “it’s okay” she said laughing. and she laid, splayed out, looking like she was recovering from the hard fall…
i felt so guilty and awful in that moment as i was exiting the deep rem cycle. i felt like i’ve felt in the past going from one moment from pure joy and laughter, and this is all fun and games until all of sudden, all shit hits the fan faster than you can ever imagine…
one moment in was encompassed by grief and in the same moment–seeming impossible–i also felt embarrassment. because my first instinct was to quiet her down. i felt guilt for thinking that as i fully awoke from my dream.
amazing the human emotions one can rollercoaster through. and that was just a dream.
Thoughtful Backlash 